-I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous.
-A man with a watch knows the time of day; a man with two watches is never sure.
-Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience.
-I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
-We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
-War does not always determine who is right - only who is left.
-Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
-The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
-Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
-Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
-I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
-A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
-Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
-I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
-Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
-Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually his other woman.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
-The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
-Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
-Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were not.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-I have discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. (women)
-Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. (Women)
-There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
-Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
-Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
-A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
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Thu Sep 23, 2010 6:37 am
